Sunday, May 30, 2010
Every few days or so for the past two months I have thought to myself...oh I should put that on my blog. Someone should know that just happened or that I was thinking about this. And yet its just never happened. Why is this???!!!
Well I have a confession. It's no big secret but its an answer for the why question.
When I'm overwhelmed in life I literally FREEZE.
mail goes unopened
laundry is folded but never put away
garbage piles up,
blog posts remain partly written with no uploaded images (as a photographer/artist I just can't post an image less entry)
i stop plucking my eyebrows
i don't do my hair
i stop checking my email
i read books (some might call this escapism - I think I agree)
i don't check my voicemail and I don't return phone calls
It's this crazy craziness that only makes me even more shut down and defensive and with drawn and lonely.
So how did I get here again? Well I moved, which was supposed to be wonderful, and then hubby went to India for two weeks. And it just happened one crazy day at a time. I think it was around day 5 when I completely broke down because I couldn't find anything in the boxes, Caleb was out of control, I was screaming and crying all the time and poor little Jude just sweetly sat in his baby Papasan in the midst of the chaos.
To be honest I don't really want to relive it all out for you but I do want to say I realize this is not a healthy part of me. I desperately want it to change but I'm not going to beat myself up about it...already did that...many times.
So this week....
I opened the mail
only a couple boxes remain to be opened
I checked all my email
I answered the phone
I got out of the house and saw friends
I did a couple of photo shoots
Semi-organized the office
and now I'm going to ignore those entries I wrote but never posted...I'm starting anew!!! After all this is what Breathe.Hope.Life is all about. Its my journey of learning which as we all know requires the ability to start over when we fail. Well I didn't exactly fail...I just stopped doing. For some reason that always has felt better to me. Although not doing something we want to do in essence is failure on the greatest level as we never even gave it a chance.
This is not a one time issue in my life and just to give you some examples....I didn't get my drivers license till I was 20. I was afraid of failing the test...and guess what? I did the first time! So for 4 years I depended on friends, family & public transportation to get me around. I never finished college because I was afraid of anything but perfect. I just stopped going...truthfully I did. I always had a good reason but really I was scared and it was hard. There are so many things I have kept myself from doing because of fear.
I know this isn't how I'm supposed to live and yet I do. So that is my confession today....I'm sure it won't be the last time you hear about it. Sighhh....confession is good for the soul but when I let it out sometimes it makes me want to cry. Oh dear....that wasn't supposed to be the point of this entry. I was just going to say...wow life has been busy! We moved, Gary went to India, I turned 30, I planted a garden at my in-laws, I got an amazing cookbook Super Natural Cooking which inspires me daily, have been reading, potty trained Caleb and Jude rolled over. It's all true but really it's not about me learning to grow into the woman I want to be. These are my circumstances and not my journey of inside growth.